9 Best Practices for a Good Marriage

You can have a rich, rewarding marriage! If you do the BASICS well, your marriage will work!

1. Only 2 in the bed! ('Leaving' home)

A marriage is not just two people coming together. It is two histories coming together. You must "leave home". This not merely a physical thing but a mental and emotional thing, where we leave our parents and take responsibility to form a new family.

From now on the most important person in your world must be your spouse. Not your parents. Not her girlfriends. Not his mates. Absolutely not old boyfriends or girlfriends! This means your best time is with him/her not them. They are your one and only. You have eyes for none other. You defend him/her before them. etc

(Scriptures - Hebr 13.4 / Ephes 5.31)

2. Start a new family (Be Joined together')

How your family did it before may or may not be relevant now. It may or may not work now. It may or may not be 'right' for your new family. We all come into a marriage with a concept (from our family of origin) of what it means to be a husband, wife, father, mother, how we do family meals, handle the money and a thousand other things. In our minds we have a "pattern" of how things are done.

We have to know that it is completely normal to think really differently about a lot of things. Of course! You came from two different families with two completely different experiences of life. Of course we are "incompatible" at first. Of course there will be conflict. We are two different people who were living two different lives and now we have to find a way to walk together. As quickly as possible, work out what is the pattern for us ... our new family. It must happen and it can happen!

(Scriptures - Genesis 2.24)

3. Walk in Agreement

The place of agreement is the place of power / authority. Parents, be closer than glue! Get on the same page or others (the kids!) will run rings around you! You give them authority by being out of agreement.

(Scriptures - Amos 3.3 / Matt 18.19)

4. Communicate

I am convinced that any couple can work through almost anything if they are prepared to calmly and sanely communicate. Dysfunctional communication is the reason why many relationships never improve.

Shouting, defensiveness, sulking, escalating, vindictiveness, criticism, blaming etc has to go!! If that is you, stop! Do whatever it takes to stop. Get help.

We can make the decision to communicate, listen, talk, be patient, not react, etc

(Scriptures - James 1.19,20)

5. Stop trying to change him/her!

There is only one person you can change - you! Each person must be honest enough to stop and ask 'what am / doing that helps or hinders us having a rich, fulfilling marriage'? ... and work on that! We cannot work on other people's stuff, but you can work on your own.

What I have seen is that when one person takes the leadership and decides to work on their own stuff, the other person follows.

Serenity Prayer #2 - "God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change ... the courage to change the one I can ... and the wisdom to know it's me!"

6. Watch your mouth!

Words can kill. Words can do more damage than fists. It is very difficult to undo the damage that our words do ... so better to say nothing!

Some don't think they are violent or abusive because they don't physically hurt people but are daily crippling others with their tongue.

Life and death are in the power of the tongue. Blessing or cursing. The damage you have done with your mouth can be healed by your mouth. You must make a decision to be a builder and a healer with your tongue and not a destroyer. Encourage, congratulate, change the atmosphere in your home ...... .

(Scriptures - Prov 18.21 / James 3.2-12)

7. Keep God in the middle

I call this the God factor. The most powerful marriage is one where two people stand and make a covenant with each other before God. Something spiritual and supernatural takes place right there. It is not just two people getting together. God joins them together.

"The family that prays together, stays together". I believe that is true. Walking with God central in our family and praying for and with each other is a powerful glue that binds us together. It brings all sorts of healing and strength to our lives.

(Scriptures - Mark 10.9)

8. Live for the other

Selflessness is how we demonstrate our love for others. Love is costly. Love seeks to give not to get. It gives and gives and gives some more! Love is about others, not me!

When I hear someone say 'this person will make me happy" or "this person will meet my needs" I know that their relationship is already on the wrong foundation. Selfishness is the destroyer of relationships.

On the other hand if I hear someone say 'I am going to make this person the happiest person in the world', I know that they are off to a good start.

(Scripture - Philippians 2.3-5. Ephes 5.25)

9. Stay soft

If you harden your heart against your spouse, it can be a long road back. Determine to stay soft. Be the first to say 'I'm sorry', please forgive me, I was wrong, ... .' or on the other side .. .'I forgive you, It's OK, let's forget it....'

To do this we have to confront our own pride and ego.

(Scripture - Mark 10.2-6 / Ephes 4.32)